In the dark I thought I heard somebody call

In the late 90's, when I first stumbled upon the Internet, there was a certain site I found. It was an LJ before there were were LJs (or at least, before LJ took off). It was nothing but a collection of words all written by one person, and this person is still wise and eloquent in amounts far beyond me.

I go back, every few months, and reread all of it. The feeling of nostalgia I get when reading the words is quite possibly the strongest feeling of nostalgia I have ever gotten. This is not without reason.

Before I got online (I remember a much younger me trying to convince my mother to shell out the monthly fee), I was not much of a person. Even not that long ago, I wasn't really much of a person. But finding what I did and reading what I have read has helped a great deal. I formed actual mental constructs, dictates of behaviour that go beyond 'what is best for me now and in the future.'

And these writing, I have come to realize, were the first swirling vapours of what would become who I am. I can read over these and find ideas and beliefs I hold strongly, I and realize that these words are /why/ I have these beliefs.

It is, in part, a pilgrimege of sorts. I say to myself that I am not this person and I will never be this person. Furthermore, I do not /want/ to be this person. I find things there that are deeply rooted parts of me, but I also find concepts that I think are wrongheaded and odd. But it's all so very, very nostalgic.

The Internet, more and more now, is becoming where I live. I like that. You can't beat global communication, and I don't really like the average day-to-day interaction, it makes me sad because I realize how much I don't know about the people I'm dealing with. Each person I meet, online or otherwise, is their own person. They have thoughts and memories and it's tragic that people don't seem to interact as much as they should, ever.

One of the things I hold dear is the concept that people should strive to change the world to what they want it to be. People should be who they want to be and do what they want to do, and they should be vocal about it and tell other people exactly why they are doing so. I don't see people doing this - perhaps it's just invisible to me in the way that my mind is invisible to others. I don't know.

But I'd like for other people to be more alive.

And now, I am going to finish rereading my past.